series

4/14
dating apps are a humiliation ritual. only starved and pathetic beasts flock to such apps, myself not included obviously. im fresh and clean and pure and the events of last night do not reflect on the condition of my soul. see? see it now, its untouched. the year has barely gotten on when you think about it.. there is still plenty of time to rebrand and consume and consummate plans planned and forgotten for sure. optimism is the word of the day! optimistic is the girl who thinks her account is getting unbanned sooner or later. now im left to post notes on substack to alert my writer mutuals that i have not forgotten about them (i am still here!) and that their posts are still much appreciated by well me. i am the only reader in the world so it is imperative that i read the words of those who write.

i received three tarot readings from a friend on the condition of my entanglements past and present. brief (three days and 8 hours respectively) but my rumination and obsession with fun leads me to extrapolate these mistakes into more than they should have ever been.

i hate everything about everything.

two of sword upside down, upside down knight of cups, upright five of cups.

im keeping the interpretations close to my heart but the jist was: leave that white boy alone. oh fuck offffff ILL DO WHAT I WANT.

knight of pentacles upside down, justice upside down, upside down six of cups.

I think the second was just a confirmation of the feelings i had already come to terms with. fairly, ive only recently began to see things as they are. perhaps i would have been happier as a blushing belle in love with a mirage of moments lost to the ethernet. i used to love the internet but even that has been soured by moments i shouldve never partaken in. i feel like pieces of me have been partaken in without my explicit compliance but i think that is also something synonymous with womanhood. maybe the cards are urging me to throw away my pursuit of femininity and return to what i was before i became what i am. alice style.

maybe tarot cards endeavor to bring you back to yourself. im a skeptic at heart, so in theory i could relate to any card if i try hard enough. perhaps the tarot is more of a mindfulness game as opposed to a mystical clairvoyance.

the cards tell me i have loved and i am reminded of a great love.

the cards tell me i have been derailed. oh! but this love of mine took hold of my horns and threw me off course.

the cards tell me there is hope at the end of the rainbow. but of course! where else would god stash his pot of gold?

preemptive notes: if this tarrot reading doesnt go well im going to end my life.

king of pentacles, ace of pentacles, three of pentacles.

maybe when the cards mentioned stability they really meant i should give the creepos trying to fuck girls half their age a chance. whats more stable than a mortage?? TWO LIL NIGGA!

okay this is the end of my entry i really hate the current format its terrible and editing is for people with attention spans. confession time ive been like coo off my adhd meds for like a good month maybe i should push my refill appointment back. speaking of refill appointment i totally disregarded that being the point of the appointment i just thought my psychiatrist wanted to see me like he cared about me n shit. #iloveufuckiforgothisname2026